When someone you love dies, it takes so much more time than a few days to accept the truth. And even when you’ve stopped crying, there’s still something that lingers around you. It’s when the funeral ends and all the other relatives are finally going back to where they belong, and you’re left alone in the house. The first night you wake up and realise that they don’t sleep in the next room any more. The first time you set your foot in their room to pack their things, and then you find their glasses, their favourite pen to write, their clothes that still smell like them. You’ve ran out of tears so you couldn’t cry, but the pain and the sadness were just unbearable.

When someone you love dies, you never really get over it. You just get used to it, and that’s the hard part. At times, you still have the reflex to turn your head around to shout that their favourite TV show is on, only to realise that they’re not there any more. Or when you’re in a restaurant having dinner, and you look down the menu then for a split second casually think “hey, this is _____’s favourite meal.” And even though the reality punches and slaps you in the heart every single time it happens, deep deep deep down, you still can’t believe they’re gone. You still can’t let go.

When someone you love dies, the guilt and regret you’d feel is unbelievable. For certain amount of time, you just can’t stop blaming yourself for missing the opportunity to see them for the last time. I was busy, psfh. How fucking stupid I was for letting it be the reason? You keep putting yourself down with all the what-ifs because it’s easier to be angry with yourself rather than dealing with the fact that there’s nothing you can do to change what’s happened.

She was like my second mum.

Right when I had to fly back, I gave her husband a big hug. He’s like a father I never had. They both are the couple I really look up to, everything I wish to be. I hugged him for so long. I told him, “Pa, be strong. You still have all of us.” He nodded in pain. He told me, “I’m sorry she won’t be able to see you graduate university later in the future.” I thought I’d ran out of tears, but I was wrong. It tore me up really bad. I cried, cried, cried again. This is supposed to be a loss, a great loss. But instead, it weighs my heart down. It’s empty and heavy right now and I don’t know what to do with this, I don’t know how to move on. My life will never be the same again.

When someone you love dies, a part of you dies, too.

3 months ago with 12 notes 12 notes
tagged as: writing.