❝ Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real. ❞
—— Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

tagged by bootyandthefeast (hi manda)

I know it’s supposed to be selfies but apparently I’ve only taken like 2 selfies in the past year???? also I would love to post humiliating photos of me (I have like thousands of them lol) but I don’t think the world is ready for that???? so yeah.

1. taken back in 2012 during the last night of idonotsmelllikemyname in bandung before he took off to bristol. the size of my eyes are only like half of his though??

2. we were in the middle of a photo-shoot and the model was taking a break and the rest of us were just like, “hey do you know that in japan there’s a trend of taking pictures like this should we try while we wait???” and so we did. 

3. we were trying to make a presentation for our final thesis defense. we didn’t finish anything that day though lol

4. so in my uni there’s this one like VERY GORGEOUS girl and this one time she had a photo-shoot where she wore this amazing backless dress and did tons of sexy poses and a couple weeks later during another photo-shoot my friend and I tried to imitate her (and failed miserably) but at least we gave the whole crew a good laugh that day??

5. taken over a month ago on the night of my birthday. this was the first birthday surprise I’ve had in years. I was happy.

6. new haircut. going to save so much money on shampoo now yes

going through these photos is kind of like reliving them again though hahaha gosh such good memories, maybe I should try to remember these moments more often.

anyway, I tag bigfatpie, drunkslide, nydtea, mrvonnegut, myfivecentsworth, noblepulsarwaves, aidaska, lamechlikhi, tjnever, johnyr, dissolving and anyone else who wants to participate???

1) A boy telling you you’re pretty won’t make you see the beauty in the fullness of your cheeks, in redness of your lips at 2 in the morning when tequila is making the bar bathroom spin. He can’t take away the ugliness that you see in yourself, you have to do that.

2) You have to be ready to hear someone say they love you. You have to be ready, and you have to be willing, and you have to listen. Because sometimes, they won’t say those three words, they’ll put a blanket over you while you’re watching a movie, they’ll kiss your cheek when they think you’re asleep, they’ll smile when they see you first thing in the morning. But you, you have to be willing to see it, feel it, let it in. Letting someone love you takes practice.

3) Don’t make compromises you can’t live with. Compromise is a different version of what you want, not a whole other Universe.

4) Learn to say no. No - to a movie you don’t want to watch; no - to sex you don’t want to have, no- to a relationship that’s driving you mad. Say no - to things that hurt you, to people that extinguish your fire, to jobs you hate and places that are desolate. There are bad things that we can’t control, bad things that happen and we are sucked into and have to feel with every fibre of our being, but the rest - learn to distance yourself, learn to say no.

5) Don’t expect people to walk through fire for you - not your parents, not your friends, not the person you’re in love with. Love doesn’t mean sacrifice, love shouldn’t mean sacrifice. Don’t expect someone to give away pieces of them, so they could fit you better. And don’t feel hurt when they refuse to - it’s self-preservation. Instead - learn from them. Do it as well.

6) Don’t tether yourself to people. Learn to make connections, to love, with both your feet steady on the ground. Learn to let people pass through your life; like a summer breeze, not a storm that’s just been unleashed.

7) Learn the difference between growth and growing up before it’s too late. Rooftops and water fights and ice cream for breakfast can be a part of your life at 10, 25, or 35. But by the time you’re 35 you need to learn to say enough, to be able to walk away, you need to be able to love yourself. Love yourself the way you loved yourself at 10, before the world had a chance to fill your head with ugliness.

—— m.v.

things noticed

last night was what happens when you add low blood pressure to the fact that i haven’t really eaten anything in the past couple of weeks. i just didn’t really care anymore, to be honest. i wanted to shrink and then shrink some more until i am no longer— anyway. mother was pissed and going to force feed me for a while. i don’t know why i was so relieved when she found this out. i guess deep, deep, deep down i’ve just been waiting for someone to notice. no one really did, surprise.

two years later, mum still talks about step father in present tense to other people. i can only imagine how it must feel- to be so scared, so hurt by the loss of your loved ones that you can’t even say it out loud.

i always thought that letting go of people is an experience that has its own limit, like i was always hoping one day i’d get a message saying, “congratulations, you’ve been letting people go for twenty three years straight, from now on you can keep all of them.” but every time, every single damn time, it’s like building sand castles just to watch people destroy it at the end of the day.

your hard work will never betray you, my mum always said when i was younger. your hard work will never betray you. your hard work will never betray you. i can’t get those words out of my head.

it’s true, i should have never tried to make homes out of people. and i should have never let them make their home out of me because i’m just to be abandoned and destroyed when they’re ready to leave.

does any of this make sense though, i don’t know, i’m feeling a little fuzzy from the med and i still haven’t eaten. i hope you’re all doing well.



today was flowers, presents, hugs, and taking lots of pictures. there’s a special kind of emptiness when you have to stand there and watch your loved ones achieved their little victory all at the same time when you haven’t even started your battle yet. kind of makes you wonder if which one’s the special case- you or them. kind of makes you wonder how much faster do you have to walk to catch up with someone who seems to be running.

i did a lot of bad things today. and it just scares me so, so much just to think about how cruel i can be. i wonder what kind of begging i did in my previous life that god decided to grow me into a human being in this life. i wonder if he made a mistake.

i storm out of people’s lives the minute they show the tiniest chance of hurting me. i lock myself and shut the world out every time i start to feel. my eyes have mastered the way of making people feel like they’re ghost, no matter how close they’re standing in front of me. i don’t talk to old scars. i never let the old wounds heal. i’ve always said that i was just protecting myself, but you and i both have struggled through life long enough to know that it’s bullshit. i don’t even know what i’m so afraid of.

the struggle between taking responsibility of what is given to you and doing something you love is real, you know.

you know how most days your life seems to just pass by, just like that. you barely notice the sunset. you’re not even sure you heard the clock ticking. nothing of significance, nothing of importance. i have this theory that the city you live in is only as good as the people you know in it. i want to find the connection between those two, but i don’t know what. i can feel something is forming inside my head, you know, like you see two things and in the space between them you see strings floating and trying to either knot or untangle themselves and when it happens you always go like AH SO THAT’S WHY and in that split second life finally makes sense to you. i can see so many strings, trying. or at least i’m imagining them trying? i don’t know. how do you know that the stuff that happens in your head is real? god, so many questions, and it’s already the later half of the seventh month. time, you silly thing, always speeding up and slowing down for the wrong reasons.

❝ One day I will laugh and no loneliness will fall out. ❞
—— Te’ V. Smith Here We Are, Reflections Of A God Gone Mad

What keeps you from falling asleep?

Most nights I find myself replaying all the things that happened throughout the day. The little things. Things I said, things I touched, gestures I made, expressions I caught from the corner of my eye, the change of tone of someone else’s voice, those one-second hesitations that don’t seem like a big deal. And then I would play a million possible scenarios if these little things changed. Maybe I should hug back. Maybe I should ask what’s wrong. Maybe I should just stay silent. Maybe I should smile back. Maybe I shouldn’t smile back. Maybe I shouldn’t touch his hands. Maybe I should cancel that appointment. Maybe I shouldn’t say this. Maybe I should say that. What could have been? What should have been?

But those are the easy nights. Other nights, I am too scared to close my eyes because I am fully aware of which nightmare awaits me for the night. Sometimes, I think about all the words that pierced right through my skin and I often find myself just lie down on the bed, letting the wounds bleed me dry. Sometimes, I depend on pills and alcohol to keep my memory hazy and let me forget for a moment. They never really helped though, so I kind of stopped. I guess. Sometimes I successfully fall asleep only to find myself jump at the lightest noise because they remind myself of the time I have unwanted hands all over my body trying to have their way while I was unconscious. Sometimes.

I have a lot of questions about life still unanswered. I have a lot of anger towards life I still bottled. And my heart- my heart is yet to be whole again, so I’m still trying to gather all the pieces scattered god knows where. And when you have a million little thoughts nibbling at your sanity, sleep seems like something that can wait, no?

If any one of you right now is having a bad day or bad week bad month bad year or maybe the word “bad” doesn’t even justify what you’re feeling right now, please know that I care very much about you guys and I sincerely want you to stay strong and stay safe and I may not be of much help, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be here.


i. if I had a dollar
for every time I feel this heavy
yet numbing
and throbbing pain
in my chest,
I’d be filthy
by now
(but still empty)

ii. I always look up
at the sun,
or simply ceiling
and wonder what
it is
that I look for
that is so hard
to find
(or what I look for in general)

iii. I wonder if
there is something
in life
that’s worth
these aches and
(that my heart can no longer afford
to touch)

iv. I don’t think people
who romanticise
or beautify
sadness truly
(I’d trade anything)

v. I guess it’s easy to miss
your memories
and wish to go back in time
because nothing
is ever
as how you remember them
(we alter our past to cope with the present)

vi. It’s not even 3 am
it’s 11 pm
on a Friday night
and I guess I now understand
why people drink
to numb
their heartbeat
(and their screaming thoughts)

vii. ‘I will not feel,
be nice to yourself,
it’s all in your head,
you’ll be fine’
I wish it was
that easy.

Remember when I told you about our short movie project? Yeah, we won three (out of four) awards tonight. And on our way out of the studio, I kept overhearing the audience quoting the narration and dialogues. I’m so happy. :’)