i. if I had a dollar
for every time I feel this heavy
yet numbing
and throbbing pain
in my chest,
I’d be filthy
by now
(but still empty)

ii. I always look up
at the sun,
or simply ceiling
and wonder what
it is
that I look for
that is so hard
to find
(or what I look for in general)

iii. I wonder if
there is something
in life
that’s worth
these aches and
(that my heart can no longer afford
to touch)

iv. I don’t think people
who romanticise
or beautify
sadness truly
(I’d trade anything)

v. I guess it’s easy to miss
your memories
and wish to go back in time
because nothing
is ever
as how you remember them
(we alter our past to cope with the present)

vi. It’s not even 3 am
it’s 11 pm
on a Friday night
and I guess I now understand
why people drink
to numb
their heartbeat
(and their screaming thoughts)

vii. ‘I will not feel,
be nice to yourself,
it’s all in your head,
you’ll be fine’
I wish it was
that easy.

Remember when I told you about our short movie project? Yeah, we won three (out of four) awards tonight. And on our way out of the studio, I kept overhearing the audience quoting the narration and dialogues. I’m so happy. :’)

Remember when I told you about our short movie project? Yeah, we won three (out of four) awards tonight. And on our way out of the studio, I kept overhearing the audience quoting the narration and dialogues. Iโ€™m so happy. :โ€™)

you only liked me because you thought I was a puzzle. you saw me as a challenge that has to be solved, and you convinced yourself that you can do it. I hated people. I had trust issues, and you knew it. and when you came closer and whispered those sweet things about how you wanted to help me, I thought you meant it. you didn’t. when you offered friendship, I hesitated. you knew how broken I was. you were there, you saw me fall down and break into pieces. you knew exactly how much I dreaded this. I denied you, but you kept on trying. trying to prove that you really care about me, trying to make me feel better, trying to make me happy. and you did. you did. but I didn’t realise that the only reason you do that is because I’m just another trophy to you. another mountain to conquer. when I gave in, you thought you had won. and that’s when you stopped playing doctor. but I have real sickness, and it doesn’t stop just because you got me all figured out and got bored keeping up. you were curious, so you decided to pry me open, and once you did, you just left. you only liked me because you thought there was beauty behind my sadness, even though I warned you that there isn’t. there isn’t. I warned you, but you made me believe that it didn’t matter. look where it got us.

I am so tired of this.
I am so tired of all of this.



#books  #quotes  

It’s November 30th again, but this year I’m surprisingly fine. I never told you this (and perhaps I never needed to because everyone says it’s obvious) but ever since you got on that plane and left, I always looked for a reason to be miserable over you. I would always go down the memory lane, looking for something to convince me that I still have something to hang on to.ย 

Don’t get me wrong though darling, because I did love you. I did miss you. And sometimes I still do. And the first dozen of nightmares I had after you left was real. They were hauntingly beautiful that I was barely awake for the rest of the year. My first kisses with the other boys somehow tasted like betrayal, and I was disgusted with myself that I swore that there would never be another boy. I know, right? And before I knew it, I started writing about love. I poured down everything I know about what you and I had into words, and it felt good. And I guess that’s why it was so hard to let you go— you were my first muse.ย Feelings don’t come easy to me, and so to feel so in love, so inspired, so alive, my god, it’s like an addiction. You were breathtaking.

But, like everything else of course, the fire cooled down. And the distance wasn’t exactly of help. Slowly, I was starting to feel okay not having you around, and that made me mad. I didn’t want to feel okay. I wanted to be sad, to be miserable, I wanted to miss you every single day and cry myself to sleep every single night because I knew if I stop feeling sad, I’d stop feeling anything. And so I dug into the past, deeper and deeper, to have anything to hang on to. Anything at all.

You wanted me to write again. Something honest this time, you said. So here it is. I’m squeezing every last bit of what I have, so I hope you pay attention. This will be my last writing of you.

This time last year, I was mad at you. Because it was the time when you told me that you had finally completely moved on. There’s someone new. And even though I knew I was more in love with the idea of you, still, the thought of it ticked me off. It was like you closed every last opportunity for us to happen. Or maybe it was more like, “YOU DON’T GET TO MOVE ON BEFORE I DO, BITCH”. I’m not sure which.

(is that a smile I see? ha!)

My dear Alexander, after you got on that plane and left, I spent the first couple of years feeling so lost, not knowing what to do. And then the second couple of years in denial of the fact that it was over, not knowing what to feel.This is the 7th year since we first met, and although I was so tempted to put something about how the body regenerates itself every 7 years that I see has been going around, I don’t want to put something someone else wrote on my last letter to you.

I want to apologize for the way I’ve been clinging onto you. I simply thought that I would never forgive myself if I ever let something so precious go away on my watch. And I honestly thought that was what love is all about, I thought I was only being faithful, being loyal, being so dedicated to you by doing all of that. I didn’t realize that this was hurting you too. And for that, I am sorry. I didn’t understand. And maybe I still don’t, but at least now I know that’s not the way to do it.

And last, but never the least, I want to thank you. For everything that you’ve done to me. I couldn’t ask for a better firsts, and I wish you every happiness. You deserve it.

Happy birthday.

I was afraid of the night, even though I don’t know why. My body just wouldn’t stop trembling, and every time I shut my eyes I feel like I can see every broken things, every fear, every monsters inside my head chasing me. I had forgotten how torturing it is.

But hey, it’s 6:33 am right now. The sun has risen, and no nightmares can reach me during daytime.

Sweet dreams, people. Until next struggle.

Title: One And Only Artist: Adele 156 plays

so I dare you to let me be your one and only

(via sukida-yo)

It’s always hard to admit that there’s something wrong with you, I guess. For all these years I’ve lived, there are always secrets that I keep hidden from people. It is not something to be proud of. And it is not exactly something I want my friends to find out, no matter how close we are. I’m just too scared of what they might think of me. A freak, an attention seeker. Ew. Who’d want to be friends with someone like that?

And sometimes, at night, when melancholy hits hard and all I want to do is cry my eyes off, I tell myself that it’s just a phase. It’s just a phase that I’ll grow out of. Everyone goes through hard times during their teenage years, and maybe that’s the case with me too. I always pretend so. I always think that if I pretend hard enough, maybe it will really get brushed off of me as I grow older. I’m an adult now, I’m supposed to be mentally stable. I’m supposed to be better, wiser, happier.

But some things just stick with you, I guess. The sadness doesn’t leave, even when I’m content with life. It just lingers around, waiting for a chance for you to let your guard down and BAM! the cycle starts all over again.

I don’t want to go to sleep, because that’s where the nightmares are. I don’t want to be left alone in a quiet place, because the noises and the whispers inside my head are killing me, and they make me want to hurt everything and everyone around me too. Because I’m dying inside, and because everyone else is not. Because no matter how hard I try, it never works. Because these people don’t understand, because no one understands, not even myself. I want people to stay, but all I ever do is push them away. And then blame them for leaving.

The noises never stop and the nightmares are always there.ย I have monsters inside of me.

Help me.

I tried, ok.

I tried, ok.